Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael


The Worst Porn Ever

I sort of hesistate to make this claim, because of all the porn in the world, I've really only seen a fraction of it. And honestly, I wouldn't want to see anymore, I dunno if my ego could withstand the blow of that much porn.

I also figure there may be people out there who've seen worse (and I'm sure I'll be getting your emails). However, I will still make the claim of "Worst Porn Ever" because in my own world, I'm King Shit, and this is the worst porn I've ever seen. So really, that's all that matters.

Usually when it comes to porn, you have to throw all logic out the window anyway. The "storylines" (and I use that term as loosely as possible) are so far-fetched, it's ridiculous! Not like we're not here to see fucking, why even bother? I guess this is the porn director's attempt to somehow establish himself as a valid artist, and not just the guy who says "Okay, now put it in her butt." Why not just show us what we want to see and cut the crap? I don't need to know why they're fucking, that shit is unnecessary information.

I will never forget the first porn I ever saw. Not because it left an imprint on my fragile little mind, or because it was a benchmark in the porn industry or anything. Just the first scene. We open with a girl sitting on her couch reading a magazine. Apparently, this makes her pretty hot, because she starts touching herself, which leads to her jacking (jilling?) off. Just as she finishes, there's a knock on the door. She goes to it and takes a peek out the window. It's an attractive (apparently) man. "What is it?" She calls out.

"Hi." He responds in the flatest, most monotone voice ever. "My name is (whatever the hell his name was), I just wanted to tell you about the gym downstairs, you should come check it out."

Now, theoretically, the story should stop here. The man has just accomplished his mission of informing her about the gym downstairs. Yet, we all know that this is only the beginning. The girl asks for a moment, and takes a minute to collect herself, which includes a final rubdown and straightening her clothes. She opens the door.

"Hi!"

"Hi. I just came by to tell you about the gym downstairs, you should come work out."

And then for some unexplained reason, she decides to invite him in. Again, we are on Porn Physics here, which is radically different from how the real world works. They sit down together on the couch...the same one where...well....you know.

"Are you new in town?" He asks. His voice doesn't even inflect this, I'd swear he was dead if he wasn't about 30 seconds away from fucking.

"Yeah," she says sweetly, "I just moved into this apartment building a few weeks ago."

"Well, you should come to the gym downstairs and work out sometime."

Now cue the light touching, kissing, fondling, into sex combo. I didn't even care at this point, the only thing in my mind was that there was a gym downstairs, and she ought to go and work out. This was literally like his only line, which he repeated 10 times until he finally just crushed her will to live and got her to have sex with him so he'd shut up about the damned gym downstairs.

My favorite part about this whole scene though is that when the girl opened the door, she revealed that she was actually in a one story house.

But anyway, I digress. More than whatever disturbing fetishes and sexual deviances a porn title can come up with, it's the actual storylines that leave me fucked up and crying for my mortal soul, which leads me to what I feel is the Worst Porn Ever. This is a Japanese flick...of course. Japanese porn is exceptionally horrible. If there really is a Worst Porn Ever title that can be universally agreed on, I'm 98% sure it WILL be a Japanese porn. It's just that bad. This particular film...I was browing my local video store, and feeling a little saucy, so I decided "Hey, why not?" I stumbled upon one, I don't remember the title, but it was about lesbian schoolgirls. Hey, Japanese lesbian schoolgirls! Can't go wrong there, right? How little did I know how wrong I was.

(After this editorial was originally posted, I got an email from someone who was familiar with the film - he hadn't seen it, just saw a trailer for it in another Japanese porn.  That way, I came to find out that the title of this charming little piece is "Lolita Confinement Lesbian".  ...I really wish I'd paid attention to that *before* I rented it.)

It's about three girls, Ai, Sayaka, and some dumb bitch whose name I never caught.* I'll call her Wheelchair Girl. She's not in a wheelchair from the offset, but...you'll see why I call her this, gimme a minute. The porn opens with Sayaka and Wheelchair Girl as high schoolers. Sayaka mentions that there was a fire in their old elementary school, and WG scolds her for bringing up the subject of "those days". Which leads into Sayaka explaining by voiceover that they'd forgotten about that time, which then becomes a flashback. 

(* - Upon further inspection of the film, I found out that Wheelchair Girl's name is Wakana. They call her Wakachin though. Why? This porn sucks, that's why. She'll always be Wheelchair Girl to me though.  Oh! And she has a horrible, screeching voice that makes you want to rip off your own ears and beat her with them. ...Charming, isn't she? ...Nasty bitch.)

We then see Sayaka, Wheelchair Girl, and Ai as elementary school students.  ...WHOA! Wait up, hold up, stop right there. Aren't we already breaking rules here? NO porn should EVER start in an elementary school! That's just wrong in every possible way. I suppose this should have been the initial warning sign, and I should have flung the DVD out of my player and burned it with holy water. 

The players: Wheelchair Girl, Sayaka...
...and Ai.

Anyway, Ai, Sayaka, and Wheelchair Girl are friends. Ai and Wheelchair Girl really like Sayaka, but Wheelchair Girl clearly favors Sayaka, which causes Ai to feel left out. One day, Ai and Sayaka are changing for PE, and Ai notices Sayaka's breasts. They then start to talk about how they're developing, and this of course leads to some touching, into petting, into caressing, into kissing. Note that the actual actresses are in their 20's at least (whew!) but they are dressed as if they're elementary school kids...which would make them about eleven.

There is something fundamentally wrong with Japanese men.

Ai becomes curious about Sayaka's breasts. ...They're supposed to be 11 at this point. And yes, those are actually the uniforms that schoolkids wear.
Ai going for Sayaka's bust. ...Oh yeah, that's sexy...

The kissing goes on until they are caught by Wheelchair Girl. Crying, she screams that she didn't know they were into such horrible things, and runs off. Ai and Sayaka pursue, only to find the dumb bitch has thrown herself off the roof of the school. The scene fades, and Sayaka as the narrator explains that Wheelchair Girl didn't die, but she was paralyized from the waist down (hence, the wheelchair! I told you to wait for it). After the incident, Ai's father was transfered to a new company and Ai went to a different school. Sayaka felt guilty for what'd happened and took care of Wheelchair Girl, who after the incident basically decided to become an ever nastier bitch, if you can imagine such a thing.

"It's not what it looks like...I tripped and my tongue fell in her mouth..."
Right. Witnessing underage acts of lesbianism make me want to jump off a roof too.

Whoops. There's a roof there.

Skip to the first day of high school. Sayaka is pushing WG around when suddenly they spot Ai, who will also be attending this school. Ai is happy to see them, but WG is still angry at Ai over what happened (um...hello? *You* are the one who jumped off the building). Later, WG is at her house being attended to by a punk/emo girl she calls "Big Sis". WG complains about the return of Ai, and how she still hates her after all these years. Big Sis offers to help WG get revenge, and WG agrees. Big Sis then gives WG a sponge bath, which of course leads to some extra touching, kissing, then sex.

.....................

.....................WHAT THE FUCK?! ISN'T THIS WHY YOU JUMPED OFF THE DAMN SCHOOL ROOF IN THE FIRST PLACE?! *huff* *huff* *pant*

Big Sis hatches her manical, diabolical, monumentally stupid plan.

I would also like to point out that WG moves her legs several times during the sex scene.

Back at school, Sayaka confronts Ai at the soccer field or something and asks her to leave her and WG alone. Ai asks if she hates her, and Sayaka says that's not it. Ai starts caressing Sayaka's face, saying she still wants to do the things they started way back when. This makes Sayaka nervous, but Ai says "just joking". But she continues to caress Sayaka's face. Just then, WG rolls up and sees them hugging, and assumes Ai is up to her old tricks. She then runs Ai over with her wheelchair, knocking her out (WG makes a *really* stupid "EEEEEEEEE!" noise as she guns Ai down. It sounds a lot like Mini-Me from Austin Powers).

Sayaka starts screaming for an ambulance, but WG turns to her and with a sinister look, says "Let's call a taxi instead, and take her back to my place. Big Sis will take care of her." The scene then cuts to Big Sis's house, where Ai and Sayaka are tied up, with Ai's bonds spreading her out on a table.  ...I can only assume Sayaka more or less agrees to be taken hostage here. She probably rolled WG back to Big Sis's house and then tied herself up. I know Japanese hospitality is renowned all over the world, but this is taking it way too far. And why doesn't anybody at school notice this?

...RUN BITCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Give 'er the tazer! THE TAZER!

......But waitaminute, what the hell? I know it's useless to nitpick logic points in a porn of all things, but I can't let this one go. How in God's Green Earth do you get run over by a wheelchair? How fucking slow do you have to be to seriously get assualted by a weak Japanese girl in a wheelchair? Couldn't Ai just have stepped out of the way, or kicked a big rock under her wheel or something?

It was around here where I realized this porn was very, very wrong.

Okay, back to the crap. Ai is tied to a table, while Big Sis threatens her with a tazer. She then says she's going to punish Ai by giving her exactly what she wanted, so she starts to rape Ai while WG happily watches.  WG actually gets in on the rape quite a bit near the end. Sayaka is forced to watch too, and at one point Big Sis forces her to help with the rape. Ai is resistant of course, but naturally, after a while she starts to enjoy it. Naturally. Later, after Big Sis has left, Ai is still tied to the table and WG is with Sayaka. She apologizes to Sayaka for her having to go through all this. She then says she's always liked Sayaka much better, and even pushes herself out of her wheelchair and onto Sayaka. She tries to touch and kiss and sexually assualt Sayaka, as all good female friends are prone to do, but finally stops as Sayaka's constant crying ruins the mood. Sayaka's crying may have been scripted...or it may have been the actress realizing she was in an extremely shitty porn...and there's no turning back now. WG gets frustrated and says that Sayaka is no better than Ai, and leaves.

Cutscene to Sayaka tied up from her wrists from above. She is only wearing a bra, no panties. WG is watching her. Sayaka complains that she has to take a piss really badly, and begs WG to please let her go to the bathroom. WG denies and tells her if she has to go, just piss right there. Sayaka continues to beg and plead for awhile, until finally she just can't hold it anymore, much to WG's delight.

Wheelchair Girl getting frisky.
And now, you shall urinate...for my amusement!

Okay, let's take a time out for an intermission or something. I feel my soul turning black from just remembering this shit. If possible, I recommend taking a walk outside, or doing something that will ground you in reality and not the fucked up world of porn.

....Okay? You set? Hope so. Before we dive back into the nonsense though, let's see just how many taboos we've touched on with this charming little title, shall we? Underage-ism...check. Lesbian...check. Disabilities...check. Rape...check. Bondage...check. Voyuerism...check. Piss...sigh...check.

I would like to mention at this point that I'd long since stopped watching this for any kind of sexual interest. The storyline had me horrified, but yet I pressed on in morbid curiousity. Like a train wreck, it's horrible but you just have to look. I was actually fast forwarding through the sex scenes to see what the hell would happen next.

Okay, back to the non-action. Now they're in some kind of big open bedroom. With Big Sis hovering over them with the tazer, WG orders Ai and Sayaka to kiss each other, to see if they have feelings for each other. Ai is despondent and angry...and really, can you blame her? Again, this may be scripted...or it might just be the actress realizing how bleak her career has gotten. Sayaka, however, apologizes to Ai, then dives right in and starts kissing Ai passionately. Big Sis triumphantly exclaims that this is why Sayaka wasn't receptive to WG, she's been harboring feelings for Ai the whole time.

...Okay, what the fuck?! This makes NO sense. Sayaka hadn't seen Ai for YEARS. She'd even forgotten about Ai. And yet somehow, being stuck in this ridiculous situation involving rape and bondage and piss and tazers she suddenly realizes her feelings for a girl she hasn't seen since her CHILDHOOD YEARS?! ...The blue Jesus fuck?! I mean...it just...I can't...it...bah, I give up.

Ai eventually does get into it (of course) and the two have a passionate love scene while WG watches. I guess the whole thing must've been pretty excruciating for WG to watch...seeing her best friend and love interest passionately be with the girl she hates. You'd think WG would just roll herself away...but I guess even she can't pass up a lesbian scene. Go lesbos. Or something.

Afterwards, WG and Bis Sis are having dinner while Ai and Sayaka are still tied up. Big Sis offers to give Ai a bite of her food, but it's too hot and burns her tongue. Big Sis feels bad, and figures the only way to apologize is with a tongue-to-tongue massage.  WG says that's enough, but Big Sis tells her to shut up before going back to making out with Ai. WG continues to feel intense burning jealousy over the attention Ai always seems to get. To further add salt to the wounds, Ai gives WG a "gotcha bitch!" look as Big Sis tongue-molests her.

Later, Big Sis is talking a bath when WG walks (Yes. WALKS.) into the bathroom. She says that in the end, Big Sis is no different from the others and let herself be corrupted by Ai. Big Sis doesn't know what she's getting at until she realizes the hair dryer in WG's hands. Before she can react, WG throws the hair dryer into the bath, killing Big Sis. Cutscene to Sayaka, Ai, and WG going down the street. WG is back in her wheelchair, apprently remembering that she's crippled. Sayaka pushes her, while WG keeps the taser trained on Ai.

"Hey, you're WALKING! ...What's that hair dryer for?"
Must be one powerful-ass tazer...

....Now hold on a second. I know, again, nitpicking logic in porn, but seriously, what the fuck? How do you get held captive by a girl in a wheelchair...with a tazer. I'd understand if it were a gun or something, but a tazer? Why don't they just walk away? What's she going to do, throw the tazer at them? At the very least they could kick her down a hill or something. These are the nicest captives *ever*. If only I could be so lucky. Imagine you walk into a bank, and all the people take themselves hostage. Then one of them walks outside with a gun to his head and says "If you don't give him all the money, I'll blow my fuckin head off I swear!" Could you even be charged with a crime for that?

Also, notice in the picture the old lady who has passed them on the street. ...This though is possibly the most believeable part of the movie. Japanese people just don't give a fuck. "Girl pushing another girl in a wheelchair down the street, with a third girl being held captive at tazer-point? Nuh-uh, none of my business!"

Anyway, WG takes them back to their old elementary school.  She actually throws down the tazer, and says they can leave, as the police will be coming for her as soon as they find Big Sis. But Ai decides it's her turn to be a nasty bitch and takes the tazer. With this situation having turned tense (I suppose) Sayaka does the only thing she can do...goes to get food. Ai says that it's too bad things turned out like this, because she always secretly sort of liked WG. Well, this leads to Ai deciding to rape WG, and...well...you all know the drill by now. Sayaka returns to find the two of them all sexxed out. She is shocked and appalled (she says she hates them both)...but as soon as she gets over that, approximately 4 seconds later, she decides to get in on the fun and they have a threesome.

It is entirely possible WG was faking her disability. While Ai comes onto her, she bites WG in the leg, which causes her to yelp "Ow!" When Sayaka returns, she sits down on WG's legs, which also gets an "Ow!" out of her. I don't think they ever directly said though that WG was faking it.

...And the day is MINE!

After the sex, WG wakes up to find Ai and Sayaka standing up in front of her, wearing their old kids clothes. Sayaka says since they'll all finally become friends again, that they should play like the old times. Ai agrees. WG then asks what about killing Big Sis, and the police? Ai then produces a gasoline can, and for some inexplicable and unfathomable reason, says "Let's burn the school down too!" I guess they'll all go to the afterlife together or something stupid like that (nothing would make me happier than to see the Ghostbusters rush in, and have Egon trap them in his machine for all eternity). Somehow, this actually seems like a good idea to the other two. So with WG also getting into her kids clothes, the three of them play jump rope while the school burns down around them.

...Now they're just rubbing our noses in it.
And now, we'll just BURN THE BITCH DOWN!

This fire can't burn fast enough.

And that's it. That's how the porn ends. Seriously. While there's nothing overtly shocking or disgusting (aside from the pee scene), it just continually and gradually eats away at your soul until you are nothing left but a lifeless husk, a shell of what you used to be. Much like Japanese horror films, the aim isn't for a cheap "Oh shit!" shock value, but for something that will emotionally scar you for years to come. And boy oh boy did this film succeed. So I have dubbed it the Worst Porn Ever.

Sometimes, I still cry at night thinking about what a nasty bitch Wheelchair Girl was.

But oh! While I'm here and going on about bad porn, let's go back to the title I talked about at the beginning of this  editorial. I got to go home recently, and out of curiousity one day I looked in the old hiding space, and there it was. That porn. It had been quite a long time since I'd last seen it, and I'd written about it, so I decided to fire it up and take notes.

Sure enough, I was right on the money with my portrayal of the "Gym downstairs" scene, which just goes to show you how much of an imprint that scene left on me. Anyway, afterwards, the girl goes to the gym "downstairs"...OF COURSE SHE DOES! With a sales pitch like THAT, would could resist? We should make that guy a negotiator or something. Maybe finally we'd have world peace. "Well, you guys can fight over the Gaza Strip...or you can come to the GYM DOWNSTAIRS...you ought to work out..." There are two guys there bench pressing or something, and she decides to try it out, with one guy spotting her and one guy hanging out around her legs...and...well...use your fucking imaginations again.

After this though, it cuts back to GYM DOWNSTAIRS! guy who is fooling around with some girl. ...Wha? There's no set-up, no story, no fucking gym, ANYWHERE. This girl doesn't even have a name. GYM DOWNSTAIRS! dude just bones her, and that's it. We cut from the completed sex scene back to the original girl, back at the Goddamned gym. This, I *really* don't understand. Don't get me wrong, I don't need the set-up or storyline. I don't even want it. But this scene is just so displaced and random! You couldn't even consider it a part of the same movie if it wasn't for GYM DOWNSTAIRS! guy. That's what gets me.

If you're going to suck, at least do it consistantly.

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