Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael

So I had to rent a Japanese porn again.

Trust me, I didn't want to. I'd learned my lesson long before Lolita Confinement Lesbian, that movie (if you can call it such) was just icing on the cake. I was enjoying a nice, peaceful, Japanese porn-free life, when suddenly that tranquility was shattered with all the subtely of sports horn-blower cans at the opera. My downfall had the same origin as many great downfalls in history - the fall of Troy, the breakup of The Beatles, and the biggest blemish on ex-President Clinton's legacy: a woman.

The little woman wanted to watch some porn. The titles I already had didn't appeal to her, and by the time it would take me to download something new the moment might have passed. We were already in the video store renting perfectly normal American vidoes, when she started pestering me to, once again, make the Unholy Pilgrimage back there.

A trip to the back of a Japanese video store, the porn section, is an experience in itself. I mean, being big and black I already stand out in Japan, but if there is any place where you are just unexcuseably foreign, it's standing neck deep in Japanese porn. I'm always especially worried, because I live in a small town. Everybody knows who I am, that's just how it goes. I'm not too worried about running into any of my students back there (they're not old enough) or, God forbid, one of my teacher co-workers, but I am always a little afraid of getting ID'd by a student's older brother or father or something like that. Word would spread like lightning. We saw him in the porn section of the video store! And you'll never believe what he was renting! For that reason, I try not to loiter around the schoolgirl/lolita section too long. ...Unfortunately, this is like 99.9975% of Japanese porn.

Another thing that weirds me out about back there is that sometimes, the store sends their young female clerks to restock. That's just awkward no matter how you cut it. The other male customers are bad enough. I mean, you know why he's here and what he'll be doing later, mostly beceause you'll be doing the same thing. But at least there's a faint sense of brotherhood there. It's very, very, very faint, but there nonetheless. But running into a girl...and not a girl who chose to go back there, but a girl who was sent back here to do a job...it just makes my skin want to jump right off my bones.

Once, I was walking down the aisles...I turned the corner to find a girl restocking titles. I jumped a bit - I was surprised at first to see someone there (I'd assumed it was an empty aisle), and then surprised to see a girl there of all places. She jumped as well - I am after all, a very, very different foreigner in a land where 99% of the people are Japanese. And time just instantly froze, as we stared at each other, not really to process all the things that had just happened at once. The worst thing about this though? You wanna hear the section she just happened to be restocking? ...Black men fucking Japanese chicks.

It was one of those moments that only God himself can create for his personal amusement.

So anyway, at the date's insistence I was again forced to make The Pilgrimage. I thought it wouldn't be so bad this time, with a girl at my side it would just be a playful couple and not some dirty Gaijin Perv. I hadn't gotten very far into back there when I noticed my date was gone - she had slowed down and was loitering around "Sexy Drama", commenting on how the story of "SeX-Men" looked to be deep and intriguing. ...Thanks.

I hadn't gotten very far into back there when I spotted some, believe it or not, of interest - a charming little titles called "Street Fucker." On the cover was a Japanese porn star dressed up as Chun-Li from the Street Fighter franchise.

Now, I am a HUGE Street Fighter fan. It's easily my favorite video game, right below Chrono Trigger. I've been playing SF for years. Unfortunately, SF has gotten the raw end of the stick when it came to Hollywood adaptations. We were all pumped up 12 years ago when Street Fighter made it to the big-screen, only to be disappointed severly by one of the biggest, flatulent turds Hollywood has produced to date*. I guess we should have seen it coming, when Jean Claude Van Damme was cast for the role of Guile. In the game, Guile is the All-American Hero - he's got a blonde flat-top and American flags tattooed on BOTH arms. He is that damn patriotic. ...Jean Claude Van Damme couldn't be more European if he tried to single-handedly invade Poland. ...And who says he hasn't tried? This casting was about as offensive as casting Leonardio DiCaprio for the lead in a movie about Nelson Mandela.

*Years later, I can appreciate "Street Fighter: The Movie" for what it really is - an unintended comedy. How can you not laugh as Jean Claude Van Damme, trying his best to sound American, promises a group of hapless troops that "Ahm gonna git in my bote, and go up DIS REEVER, and KEECK that SONOVABEECH's Bison's ass....SO HORD...that the next Bison VANNABEE....iz gohnna FIEL it!" (He actually says it like this - I think my little MS Word paperclip character thingy is crying right now.) Raul Julia (RIP) also acted his heart out as the tyrannical dictator Bison, and delivered one of the greatest lines in movie history, after Chun-Li told Bison that he killed her father, but Bison didn't remember the incident - "For you, the day Bison graced your village was the greatest day of your life. For me? It was Tuesday."

And here before my eyes was now yet another movie adaptation of my favorite games - in Japanese porn. ...There was no way I couldn't rent it. I tried not to, I actually put it back at one point...but you know, it had to be done. I picked up "Street Fucker"...my date realizes the suckiness of Japanese porn, and therefore wanted to see a foreign movie. We found a title with a couple of European girls on the cover, and called it a day.

Did "Street Fucker" hurt as much as you think it did? Yes, that and more. So, naturally, here I am to bring "Street Fucker" to you in all it's "chew your own arm off and beat yourself to death with it" glory. Because, you know if I HAD to rent the porn, I HAD to write about it. I'm really not going to make a habit of this, as it's going to take something monumental (like a threesome) to get me to ever rent a Japanese porn again.

And this time, I remembered to take screencaps the first time.

...But oh! I do realize that not all of you are avid Street Fighter fans like me. So I'll give a brief explanation at least about the characters who appear in the movie. This is how they are according to storyline canon....

Chun-Li: An investigator with INTERPOL. Her father was killed by M.Bison, lord of a powerful international criminal syndicate. She fights to bring down Bison for vengenance and justice.

Guile: An American military soldier, Guile's best friend Charlie was killed by Bison as Charlie tried to take Bison down. Guile fights for revenge again Bison.

Ryu: A wandering Japanese warrior, he searches for true strength and self-improvement. He is dedicated to the fight, and lives to find new, stronger opponents.

Sakura: A Japanese schoolgirl who became infatuated with Ryu and idolizes him. She travels the world looking for Ryu in the hopes that he will formally train her.

Honda: A Japanese sumo wrestler. He travels the world to find new opponents and experience new things.

Karin: Daughter of a wealthy/powerful family, Karin considers Sakura to be her rival. She trains in the hopes of one day challenging and defeating Sakura.

Chun-Li	Guile
Ryu	Sakura
Honda	Karin

And there you go. The main players, in a nutshell. Or at least, how they should be. And now...onto the nonsense.

The movie opens with some random clips of Chun-Li doing some, ahem, martial arts moves. Of course, most of the moves gives us an upskirt. ...Naturally.

We then go to two loser-looking guys running away on the rooftops...they run into Chun-Li, who flashes a badge (a plain black book) and tells them she's going to arrest them. The men laugh at this cute 'lil girl, then start attacking her. Cue the poorly orchestrated and badly acted fight scenes. Chun, of course, kicks both their asses. ...At one point, she "supposedly" does a flying kick...it looks like they took off her boot, taped it to the side of the camera, and just pushed it into the guy a few times. ...I'm glad they spared no expense for the stuntwork here folks.

After kicking their asses, Chun-Li gets all ANGST! and remembers back to "that day". ...What's really weird though is that Chun-Li's narration is done in Chinese. ...I guess it's not that weird if you think about it (Chun-Li is Chinese), but why the hell did they go through the trouble of finding a Chinese translator/voice actress to narrate internal monologue...in a crappy, low budget porn. I don't get it.

Anyway, "that day". Chun-Li is tied up to a chair, with her defeated/sick father lying prone on a bed. Guile is there...and by Guile, I mean some scruffy-looking Japanese guy wearing some military gear, and a finger paint tattoo of an American flag on one arm. ...Somehow, I still find this closer to Guile than the Jean-Claude Van Damme version. Guile decides to have some fun, and more or less starts to molest Chun-Li. The father begs Guile to stop, while Chun constantly screams "No! Stop it! Don't touch me!" ....I guess you have to be Japanese to find the appeal of this kind of scene. Guile eventually gets tired of hearing the old man beg him to stop raping his daughter, so he gets on top of him and chokes him to death in front of Chun-Li. ...So much for storyline continuity, I guess. ...I wonder if this happened on a Tuesday?

The Chinese narrator chimes back in and explains that from that day, she thought only of revenge against Guile. We then see Chun doing some more panty-flashing high kicks somewhere else on the rooftop (whatever happened to the guys she arrested?). Suddenly, Ryu sneaks up behind her, getting himself a nice handful of titty in the process. He and Chun-Li fight, with Chun getting the best of him by an armlock. She scolds him for being peverted, then asks why he's come - an incident? Something he needs help with? Ryu responds simply - "fucking!" He says of course he'd like to fuck a famous girl like her. Chun walks away disgusted, leaving Ryu to ponder The Way of the Warrior or something. He doesn't get very far until Sakura pops in.

I have a feeling, it's all going downhill from here.

Sakura says she seems to have interrupted Ryu during some deep meditation, and asks what he was thinking about. We see Chun-Li hiding in a doorway, also curious to see what Ryu was pondering. Ryu thinks long...and SO HORD about it...until finally reaching his conclusion - "She's on her period!" ...Huh? Ryu concludes that Chun's on her period, which is why she doesn't wanna fuck him. Disappointed, Chun walks away. But Sakura tells him that she's okay today too! Ryu says they just fucked yesterday, but Sakura pleads with him - after all, fucking is important training in the way of budo. ...In the different martial arts disciplines I've studied, I've never heard of that one. Gotta have a talk with sensei. Ryu gives, slings Sakura over his shoulder, and they leave....

....To a LOVE HOTEL. With a bed shaped like a car. Ok, I know Ryu doesn't have a house or anything like that, but still buddy, a LOVE HOTEL? Surely you've got at least a tent in that bag of yours you could use.

Ryu, deep in profound thought.

JAWS makes a special guest appearance. ...Why God have you forsaken us? Where is your yellow fever now?

What happens next is of interest to no one - a boring, uninspired sex scene that's less arousing than an episode of Sesame Street. There are a few points I'd like to make though.

-- Sakura stands up on the bed at one point for the infamous Japanese upskirt shot...and bangs her head on the gaudy light fixture hanging overhead. And this happens more than once.

-- Sakura is in Street Fighter Alpha 3 V-ISM colors....just for the record.

-- While Ryu is reaching up her skirt and fiddling around, he tells her that by doing this, a hadouken (fireball) might come out. ...I hope not, V-Sakura is already overpowered as fuck, she doesn't need another trick up her sleeve...er...panties.

-- The actress playing Sakura is not cute. She has horrible, busted teeth, and a nasty red rash on her stomach. My gf saw this and exclaimed - "Ew, gross! Look, she's got stomach herpes!"

-- Ryu was wearing tiger underwear. Yes, tiger underwear. Not the stripes, but a picture of a tiger on the front. ...Maybe this is why Sagat is so pissed off at him?

-- It took a really, really long time before you could even call it a sex scene. It was like 30 minutes of him playing with her underwear. Again, I guess you have to be Japanese to enjoy this kind of thing.

GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER!

KO! Gaudy overhead light fixture wins.

Afterwards, the scene shifts to Guile and Honda, who are apparently in league with each other. Honda is surprisingly thin....a little paunchy sure, but no sumo. What he is though, is really fucking annoying. I may fire up some home version of Street Fighter later and just pound the shit outta Honda in training mode for revenge, he was that bad. He tells Guile he's worried about money, but Guile reassures him. Guile says there's a special investigation going on, so they have to be extra careful. Just then he stops - he thought he heard something - but Fucker Honda says there's nothing. Guile brushes it off, but as it turns out, they were being watched...

Honda randomly hand slaps, while Guile dreams of beating him with a 2x4. ...You're not the only one, buddy.

Cut to Chun-Li...she's asleep in her apartment, and her nightshirt has fallen below her breasts. Enter the man who was watching Guile...he tells Chun that he's found Guile, but for the moment, busting him now would be bad. It would be better to infiltrate his camp...so his gives Chun-Li a disguise - Karin's costume. "I don't think Guile knows the Karin character. Since she's only been in one game." ...He actually says this. The man leaves, while Chun-Li wonders who he was. I'm wondering why Chun-Li doesn't bother to cover up when strange men break into her apartment and tell her to dress like a schoolgirl.

Chun changes into Karin's costume (complete with the curls and the ribbon) and wonders who the strange man was. She realizes it must be her father, come from heaven to help her. She tells father to watch her carefully. Ok, daddy then? Is that why she didn't cover up? ....Wait, that's even worse. Eww.

Shift back to Guile and Honda, who are now in a love hotel. ..............Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Guile's gotten some drugs he intends to sell. He's holding an open bag, and wonders if it's okay to try some. He literally takes the whole bag, and is about to just start dumping crack in his mouth as if it were Cheetos, until Honda stops him and tells him just a little will do. ...Guile, oh Guile. How far we've fallen, eh? But why didn't they just make this part M.Bison instead of Guile? That would have been less offensive to SF, and would have made a lot more sense. I can only conclude that it's a secret Japanese hatred for Americans manifesting itself.

"Whee! Crack!" ...That's not Kool-Aid there son.

The Stupidest Sumo Match Ever.

Honda is being stupid and randomly Hundred-Hand Slapping things (he does this), when suddenly Chun/Karin pops up. She looks at the drugs, and throws a bag down. Honda says that won't do, and challenges her on top of the bed. They then have the stupidest sumo match ever recorded in the history of man (Guile has retreated near the head of the bed with the rest of the drugs). Honda falls down and, completely unscripted, whacks his head on the headboard. He fucked up his wig too. Watching this was highly satisfying (the only good part of the movie, really). Karin claims victory.

KO! Love Hotel Headboard wins!

"You must defeat my 'Fall Over On Your Ass And Bust Your Head Open' super attack to stand a chance."

Honda disappears completely...you don't even see him leave, it's just in one frame he's there, in the next he's not. Maybe he got shun-goku-satsu'd by Akuma? Who the fuck knows, I'm not complaining. Guile asks who "Karin" is, and she tells him that she's the service. She immediately starts to give him a BJ...I cannot stress how random and sudden this was. ...Daddy would be so proud. And apparently, he just might be watching.

Guile fires off a level 1 super, and like any man who does so, almost immediately goes to sleep. ...I would have given this movie 1000 extra bonus points had he made the "Oooaaaauuuugggghh! Ooooaaaauuuuughhh!" defeat scream from SF2, but sadly he did not. With Guile asleep, Chun is left to ponder the rammifications of having just sucked off the guy who killed her father. This part might have actually been poignant...had the camera not zoomed in on the little trail of Guile Sauce seeping down from Chun's mouth.

Guile wakes up to find Chun-Li in her regular clothes. They again fight on top of the bed. At one point, Chun knees Guile in the nuts, and as he falls over, she stops and asks him if he's ok (Are you OK? ....BUSTA NUT!) ...WTF?! It's the dude who killed daddy, and Chun is concerned for him when she knees him in the nuts? Guile takes advantage of her weakness (stupidity) and gets her in a shoulder lock of sorts...of course using the opportunity to get lots of gropings in. ...Why did we never get this kind of throw in the game? While he's choking her, Chun's life starts to flash before her eyes...or at least the life contained in this crappy movie. She then bites his arm to get out of it, then uses her legs to choke Guile out. Guile gets out of this by....welll....turning his head around and eating his way out. This seems to completely incapicate Chun-Li. ...Sure, revenge for daddy can come later, now's the time for fucking! If only someone had clued M.Bison in on this, it would have saved him a lot of trouble in the long run.

Guile's super meter bursts (all over Chun's face) and he falls over. Later, we see Chun putting on her clothes...she says that with this, her revenge is complete. ....Um, wha? "You kill my daddy I fuck you to death?" That makes sense. ...No, no it doesn't. The Chinese narrator explains that Chun-Li finished her revenge...but her sex will still continue. She will continue to fight injustice using her sex. The End.

And that's Street Fucker. Somehow more faithful to the characters than the live action SF Movie was, but failed as a porn in pretty much every single aspect. It seems SF just can't get a break when it comes to live action adaptations. Maybe that's for the best.

...But wait! There's more! Remember at the beginning of this article, I mentioned that my girl and I actually rented two vidoes? Well, we did get around to watching the second one. We wanted a non-Japanese porn, so we hastily picked one with a bunch of Gaijin girls on the cover and made tracks outta the porn section. We were both horrified to pop the DVD in and find two Japanese guys...turns out it wasn't a foreign porn, but a porn about two Japanese guys going overseas to fuck foreign women. Aw crap.

But oh...it gets better.

Girl: Hey, that guy...doesn't he look kinda familiar?
Me: Huh? Oh yeah, he kinda does! But from where?
Girl: ...*gasp* I know! That's Ryu from the other video, the Street Fucker one!
Me: ......Oh fuck no?

Sure enough, it was Ryu. What are the odds? God hates me, that's the only explanation.

But I guess Ryu truly is the World Warrior then.

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