Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael

Coke Addict Has a Fan

Hey, uh, remember the last editorial where I ripped on the hate mail and said it was the last one, I swear? ...Well, I lied. To be honest, getting hate mail I can put to use fulfills my inner child. It fills my soul.

So anyway, next one up, Come On Down!

"Subject: Az Fails at Dating"

*insert Price is Right failure sound effect here*

"I've read your editorials for a few months now, and have found them entertaining and for the most part good humoured,"

Wow. Well then, this makes me almost regret what I'm about to do.

Almost.

"but this article is just mean"

You Big Meanie You.

Oh, he's itemized his complaints! How nice.

"1) you sound so stuck up when you rag on how small their apartment is. why do you mention it?"

.....Because it was really small.

I'm a writer, this is what we do.

"is it because its not big enough to properly accomodate you as a guest and you feel insulted?"

Yes. I always expect people I've never met before to anticipate my size and have a house/apartment/cardbox box big enough to accomodate me. I'm doing the same for them, and I expect no less. If that makes me a bad person, then foo on you.

"are you trying to illustrate how poor and inferior their family is because they don't live in a huge house?"

Maybe they just live in Japan, where houses are small. Hey, my apartment makes my dorm rooms back in college look spacious.

"if neither applies, and if you are telling me that you are simply stating the fact and making some comment about house sizes in japan in general,"

Wow. What a revolutionary idea! I wouldn't possibly do something that made that much sense. It's just not civilized.

"your tone says otherwise."

Yes. Because my tone, on the internet, really conveys just how I felt about that one simple paragraph. You really can't make any mistakes there.

And if you couldn't tell by my tone, yes I am coming onto you now.

Am I being sarcastic? You make the call.

"2) her mother welcomes you into their home and tries to be hospitable and accomodating, bring you fruits and refreshments and that makes her a crazy gypsy crack whore, k..."

No. Her being a Gypsy Crack Whore made her a Gypsy Crack Whore.

I didn't describe what she looked like, I figured "Gypsy Crack Whore" would provide enough of a description for an adequate visual.

But waitaminute....! I'm getting ragged on for describing too much, I'm getting ragged on for not describing enough....WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?!

...The ice cream was pretty good though.

"3) what is this all about crack anyways?"

Well, I was smoking some up behind my ears that night...

....Sorry. Couldn't resist.

"i'm going to assume that they aren't actually a family of crack addicted prostitutes"

That's quite astute of you.

"and that you are just using that as a derogatory term because you find their behaviour odd."

Right. Because on the internet, we certainly never throw around drug labels unless we absolutely mean it.

Yessiree Bob, if I call someone a Crack Fiend/Baby/Whore/Midget/Puppy/Single-Celled Organism/Connoisseur, you can bet your bottom dollar that that person is on the smack, guaranteed. Cause I take my crack labels very seriously. Don't we all?

"gee, for a black man living in japan, you sure havne't learned much about the importance of tolerance."

Yeah. I hate those Japanese. So much so that I spent years learning their language and now try to teach English to their kids (and adults in the community in my spare time). ...TAKE THAT, YOU FUCKERS!

Watch out Indonesia, I'm coming for you next.

"4) you are upset that they vent at you about the war and the doings of your president,"

He's not my President. I voted for the other guy, 'ol whatshisface.

I'm probably being unfair here though. It's just that I didn't like the tone of this sentence.

"how dare they generalize americans like that,"

Yeah, really. We are a culturally diverse melting pot of [insert every other "diversity cliche" you can think of here, cause I'm too lazy to do it myself].

Now, the British on the other hand....

"they should obviously know that you are NOT of the majority of americans"

Blue state! BLUE STATE! I'M FROM A BLUE STATE! DON'T HATE ME!

The sad thing is that I've actually had to say that more than once.

"that supports 2 term bushy and his war."

I dunno about you, but my hair is always a little unkempt after an invasion.

Depô Level 11 - Hurricanes, Invasions, the Rock of Gibraltar....no matter what, your hair WILL NEVER MOVE AGAIN.

"thank god you have your editorial website on wacky and insane japanese people and customs to vent about their damn generalizing ways."

You know what I really love? People who think they know everything about a situation they're not even in. That's just...special.

I don't get that many emails about it, but I've seen on other messageboards people who swear out their ass that I'm full of shit. It's funny, cause they're always like "Japan is not like that! I was there, in the airport for a transfer for 2 hours, and I never saw anything like that! This book I have here, written by this well known and respected author, says that...." Sometimes I sort of want to register an account and say "Oh, yes, that's a very nice source. Here, let me consult mine...*looks out the window*...oh yeah, that's right, I FUCKING LIVE HERE."

I reiterate that I am not fabricating or even exaggerating any of this...but anyone who takes what I write too seriously needs to check into the ER to have the giant pole surgically removed from their ass.

...Did I just subconsciously make a Kancho joke? Oh God, I think I did...

"basically, all summed up."

...Huh? How?

"i kept expecting at the end to be a sentence declaring the whole article a joke but it never came up."

Keep reaching for the end of that rainbow, Timmy.

"seems pretty obvious that it is not god who is making you fail at dating."

I actually have to agree with him here. It's not God at all.

...It's Krushna. Damn you Krushna! One of these days.... *shakes fist angrily towards the heavens*....

...But hold on, I think I know what this is all about! ...You want Coke Addict's email address, don't you? Sorry pal, I deleted it. Her, her friend, and her friend's family's (dog included) addiction to illegal, mind-altering substances was too much for me. I don't need the smack to enjoy myself, I can have fun with this ball and jacks! Whee!

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

"cheers mate"

...Is it just me, or is this a really strange way to end this email?

I dunno, maybe I'm just not hearing the tone correctly.

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