Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael

Black Man Lies

I don't want to do it. I really don't. There's that little voice in my head (Angel Az) who says "Now, now. Play nice." I hear it, but I do not obey. I try, but my hands move for me. The only explanation I can offer is - I'm a bastard. And, y'know what? It feels gooooooooooooooooooood.

It's that time again kiddies. Gather 'round, cause Az reaches into his mailbox and pulls out another gem of hatemail! ...Well, I dunno if this one really counts as "hatemail"...but...well, you'll see why it's getting The Treatment in a minute. Trust me, there's method to my madness.

For added fun, copy into a text editor then cut out my responses...take a look at what I was hit with in its pure form.

"hey niger"

...Wow. Forget what I said before, *now* we're off to a rollicking start.

"im a long time listner and a first time caller."

Him: Now, I've noticed these strange bumps on my penis, and they won't stop itching...

"my friend and i are havein a dispute about your website"

Him: Clearly, "Outpost Nine" is a Star Trek reference!
Friend: No way, it's a Star Wars ref!
Him: Star *Trek*!
Friend: Star *Wars*!

"he belives every single u write,"

Well, sure. It's those slippery doubles you have to watch out for.

Curse you, you bastard doubles.

"but i think all ure storys are a bunch of black man lies."

Not just any lies mind you...black man lies. With...what...30% more sneakiness? A bucket of fried chicken with every black man lie? A little crack sprinkled on top?

I so want to make a "white man lies" joke here, but I kind of feel like I'd be betraying my people.


"well acually thats a fulse acusation"

"Haha, I jest. My TRUE purpose of this email is to get your current opinion on the Nikkei - do you forsee it going up anytime soon? I'm getting bored with the NASDAQ and looking to dabble 'round in foreign markets."

"i belive some things like u are in japan"

I believe I can fly. Woo! I believe I can touch the sky.

Ok, that's as far as I can go with the R.Kelly ref. Living in the Land of Rampant Pedophilia, quoting R.Kelly just feels fundamentally wrong somehow.

"but i dont think ure a techer"

Sometimes, people ask me if I'd like to be an English teacher when I go back to the states.


And y'know, I'm in class watching these kids carefully writing their letters and obsessing over spelling and where apostrophe's go and things like that, then I get an email like this...and it makes me cry. This is what it sounds like....when English teachers cry.

"but if u are thats cool but"

Periods - your friend and mine. Let's make July National Periods Month. Awareness must be raised.

"would the kids in ure class realy have the balls to ask a big black guy like u some of those questions?"

This is, afterall, a nation that in a war, decided they couldn't be arsed to actually fly their attack planes home, so they just dived them into enemy ships for bonus damage.

In that light, I don't think asking a large black man about his penis size is too gutszy.

But then again, I have been here for way too long, and have come to expect this as the norm. I'm gonna go back to America and probably do something like "Hey guys, I think my penis grew a few millimeters last night! Here, take a grab and feel for yourselves!" And that will probably be the day I die.

"thats where i think ure black man lies come into play."

Black Man Lies - The Musical! Starring Tyrese and Julia Styles. Coming soon to a theater near you. Reserve your seats now before they're stolen! Free sides of biscuits and collard greens with every group purchase. Escalade parking in the back.

"well email me back plz"

Well, if you want a response, you're gonna hafta sweet talk me first...

"ure pritty fly my niga dog"

.....There we go.

"and peace out niga"

Did I mention how much I really hate MTV. Cause if I haven't, I reeeeeeeeeeeeally hate MTV. Intense, burning passion hate.

I mean, Paris Hilton was already unforgiveable, but this is just intolerable. Action must be taken, immediately.

"(im not racis"

Oh, well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

Do me a favor though, never, EVER go to Compton. Or DC. Or any area of the South that isn't flying a confederate flag. In fact, you should buy a car, paint it orange, slap a confederate flag on it, call it the General Lee, and just live in Montana.

"i just couldnt think of any other words to describe a black male with ure prestige)"

Aside from.....oh....I dunno...black male?!

...With my prestige? Does that mean I have somehow ascended to the title of "niga"? Where was I before? Wait, I don't wanna know. This already makes me want to curl up in a corner and softly cry myself to sleep.

Congratulations, you broke the internet. Good job.

Y'know, a lot of people have mentioned to me that they had an impulse to write me a fake hatemail, just so it could get put up on the site. Upon reading this, I thought that surely, this is what had happened. I mean, seriously. My drug obsessed, anatomically challenged friend, my randomly violent half-Japanese friend, and my lusting after Coke Addicts friend are all one thing, but this....."black man lies", what the fuck? Challenging the validity of this email, I sent a quick response in the form of ".......Are you serious?" A day or so later, I got a reply.

"Yes of course im serios is it real or not?"

(insert the biggest ".....Sigh." I've ever taken, here)

No, I'm not serious. Everything I say is a Black Man Lie. Including this sentence.

Pece out my nigas.

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