Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael

Azrael Goes to Tokyo

I had literally no work one Thursday and Friday, as the kids had their midterm exams. I decided on a whim to just head up to Tokyo - I had a friend up there for a work conference, and kind of wanted to get away. It was a really random, impulsive trip - I made no arrangements, simply packed some essentials in a bag, scribbled down the names of some places I'd like to see on a piece of paper, and off I went.

I took the overnight bus on Wednesday, which put me at Tokyo Station Thursday at 5AM. I spent the next HOUR looking for a bathroom - despite being the largest train station in Japan, it is disturbingly devoid of bathrooms. I found one...which was CLOSED UNTIL 7:30. "Fuck you!" I audibly said. After an hour I finally gave up and just decided to go on with my trip. On my way, ironically, I found a bathroom.

First stop was Tokyo Tower. I got there a little before 7, and it doesn't open until 9. So I chilled on a nearby park bench, played a little Megaman Zero 2 on GBA and slept a bit. The morning was overcast, and it actually started to rain a bit.

Finally went into the Tower...I silently prayed to myself that Godzilla wouldn't attack that day. I kind of think Japanese people secretly hate the Tokyo Tower, cause it's always the first thing to get taken out if Godzilla/aliens from the Dark Kingdom/invading forces come to Japan. The view was cool, just wish it wasn't overcast. At one point, I was in an elevator full of little old Japanese ladies who were literally half my height. Seriously, their heads came up to about MY BELT. It was then that I realized that I was Godzilla, and since I had no plans of attacking I had nothing to worry about.

I left the tower...and more or less the SECOND I stepped outside the day cleared up. ...Motherfucker. I considered going back up, but decided to go on with my day.

I visited a temple in the area, then went out to Yokohama...saw the port, took a nice afternoon nap in a park, then went to a Ramen Museum, which was cool. Then, I met up with a friend and his Japanese friend...they were partied out from the night before, so they planned to just take it easy. This was my first night, so I wanted to go out...but I'd chill with them for the moment. They had dinner (I was stuffed from the ramen), then played around in an arcade for a bit before they went off to see a movie (Million Dollar Baby) and I went to Roppongi to go clubbing.

For those of you who have never been to Roppongi...God does not exist in Roppongi. There is no God out there, that nigga gone fishing (WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?) There's African guys lined up all down the street, trying to usher you into some club or sex shop. Even just look at them, and they'll start walking with you trying to get you into their club. Add to that a plethora of sleazy foreigners and dirty Japanese tricks, and you have the God-less Roppongi.

Well, at least the club/party section, I hear the residential parts are quite nice.

I got out there at about 11. Clubs are still asleep at 11. So I dumped my bag off at the club I was gonna go to and went to a nearby McDonalds for a strawberry shake. I took a seat, and soon after this guy in a business suit came in, followed by two crack-whore looking Japanese women. He gave them his business cards, and it was apparent this was some kind of arranged first meeting. Curiousity got the best of me, so I decided to listen in on their conversation.

I couldn't hear all of it very well (it was a busy McD's) but from what I could gather, the guy was trying to recruit these girls for either porn movies, or the hostess industry. At one point, one of the girls said "But, all my past boyfriends have complained that I'm a cold fish in bed". The guy assured her that this was ok. Then, both girls said they didn't want to have sex with old men. The guy asked how old, and they said over 50 was a bit excessive. The guy told him that 50 year olds weren't that common, and they offered an extra 10% pay increase if they have to fuck any guys over 40. The girls seemed satisfied over this. The guy told them they could come in tomorrow, at which they were thrilled at. He then got a phone call...of course, I couldn't hear the other end, but from his end it went a little something like..."Two more...how old? ...Seventeen? Great! Perfect. Hold them right there, I'll be finishing up here in about ten minutes I think."

They were talking quite loudly about the whole thing...even if they assumed I couldn't understand their Japanese conversation, they were talking loud enough for all the other Japanese people to listen in if they were so inclined.

I stayed in McD's for an hour until finally heading out to the club. At first, it was a sausage-fest...there were at least 5 guys to every girl. The few girls that were there were horrid. There were three standing in front of me...one was an outstanding whore. Not only was she wearing a whore's uniform, she had Captain's studs on it. The second was chubby. Eh, not that that's a bad thing (I like my women with some meat on 'em, and living in Japan I've really come to appreciate that). It's just that she was obviously a club slut, so I hold it against her. The third was a grandma. Literally, this woman looked OLD, I'd say not a day younger than 45 AT LEAST. ...Granted, I have nothing against older women, but she was clearly up there a few years. And a club slut.

I started to think about a theory I'd been working on earlier in the day. We have a very clear and distinct rating system for attractive girls...but we don't really have anything for the other end. I was thinking of a beer scale, as in how many beers would it take for you to actually want to hit it. I figured we'd use 3 beers as the norm - whatever broad you wouldn't fuck sober, you still wouldn't fuck 3 beers later. Only after 4 beers would the goggles start working. So if you said "Man, that's a 4 beer chick", it would mean she's the best of the worst, something like that. A 12-beer chick then, would be absolutely appaling.

Anyway, Captain Whore went around standing next to random guys, waiting for them to talk to her. This left Chubbs and Grammama sitting next to some dopey looking white guy, Goober. I got a beer, but it tasted nasty so I downed it quickly and bought another. Grammama went off somewhere, leaving Chubbs by herself. I took a good look at her and thought "You know, her face is kind of cute though."

...Oh God, did I actually just think that?!

I despaired at myself for a moment. This was only my second beer! What was wrong with me! But, wait! I forgot, I'd had two beers with my friends during dinner. Ah, there we go. I was actually on my fourth beer. Wow, the system works surprisingly well! I was pleased with myself over my findings.

Goober finally worked up the courage to start talking to Chubbs. It didn't take long for Chubbs to start holding his hand.

"Dude, if you'd talked to her first that could have been you..."

WTF? Did I just think that again! Holy shit! This is bad. Real bad. I gave a silent thanks to Goober for taking her away before I did something stupid. Meanwhile, Grammama came back to find Chubbs and Goober busy, and silently becomes the third-wheel.

"You know, Grammama kind of has a decent rack..."

...Ho-oly fuck! I need to move, NOW. I picked a different area of the club to loiter around in. Later, more girls did show up, mostly of the Garden Slut variety. I suppose there were a few I could have talked to at least. But at this point I was just out of it...I'd been up since 5 in the morning, touring around all day, and my feet hurt quite a bit (I'd been walking around A LOT). I decided to just leave the club.

I didn't actually have a hotel room. I was sort hoping my lodging situation would take care of itself, which would have been cool. Since that didn't happen I was now a vagabond. Where to? I saw Tokyo Tower off in the distance. Well, it was good to me before...why not? I walked back there, back to the benches I'd slept on before. Using my bag as a pillow, I decided to just sleep there. There were some youngers hanging out in the area, but I really didn't think much of them as I went into a light sleep outside on the bench. Little did I know my night wasn't quite over yet...

Previous: Michael Jackson Juice, Revisited
Next: Azrael Goes to Tokyo Part 2

Return to the "I Am a Japanese School Teacher" Index

All works appearing on this page, or any subsequent page of Outpost Nine, are copyrighted to their respective authors. Steal them, and bad things will happen to you.