Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael


Before this site exploded so to speak, I didn't get any email. None whatsoever. I could go for weeks at a time without checking it, only to find two pieces of mail - one telling me about how Cialis Soft Tabs will forever change my sex life (do I look 80 to you?! FUCK YOU!), and another warning me that my services are "near to be closed" unless I open an attachment that just happens to contain a virus. ...Near to be closed, what the fuck? Is that even correct English?

These days, my mailbox has become a vertitable beast, one I can barely keep in check. I couldn't check email during my Tokyo Adventure, and it took me a full month after that just to READ everything I'd missed. Yikes. Don't get me wrong, I love email. If I had to choose between you guys and the Cialis Soft Tabs, you guys win. It's just that some of what I get is...well...interesting.

You've already caught a glimpse of my mailbox through the "Hol' on boy!" etc hate mails. That's actually a very small minority of the email I get. Aside from the three and a half hate mails I've gotten (I consider "Black Man Lies" to be half a hate mail...), I think I've only gotten 2-3 other hate mails. Really, pebbles in the Sahara Desert. The ones I didn't ridicule and post, were either incredibly offensive, or had nothing good I could work with. So I deleted them and went on my merry way. A lot of people seem to think I get a lot of these types of mails though, when really they are few and far-between.

The majority of the shit-talkers do so on messageboards, and yes, I have seen your posts, referrer tracking is a *wonderful* thing. I especially love the people who say stuff like "What a Japan-hater" or "I bet you he's not even really there." Yeah, sure kids. I'm really a 46-year old accountant named Marvin. I'm caucasian, slightly overweight, I live in my parents basement, and in between whacking off to hentai lolita porn and eating the discount bucket of chicken from Church's, I live out these wonderful fantasies about Japan involving kids sticking fingers up my ass and asking me dirty questions. WTF has the internet done to this generation to make us THAT damn cynical? AL GORE, THIS IS ALL *YOUR* FAULT.

I get a lot of people who clearly have not read the FAQ ("So, I'm thinking of doing JET myself...how much does it pay?"). To all of you, I say.....READ THE FAQ. Please. Reading the FAQ has been known to increase penis size in men and breast size in women (or, if you think they're too big, reduce breast size. It can also increase breast size in men, if you happen to want a nice pair to play with on the weekends. Who doesn't?). Reading the FAQ does not make baby Jesus, baby Moses, or any other infantile biblical figure cry. And most importantly, reading the FAQ saves one black man living in Japan just a little bit more of his time/sanity, and gets your question answered almost instantly. Reading the FAQ has even been known to find Waldo, AND Carmen Sandiego.

You have no excuse now.

I get some girls who feel compelled to send me a picture of themselves. To all the female readers out there, I highly encourage this. Send more.

Men, you may keep your pictures on your hard drives, thank you very much.

Sexual discrimination? ...You bet it is! *thumbs up*

I get a lot of international email, people from all over the world, which is cool. I get email from people for whom English is their 2nd, 3rd, 4th language even. I think that's incredible. It's funny, because these people usually say something along the lines of "Please excuse my English, it's not my native language." when really, their English is quite good. Much better than, say, the brainchildren behind the "Hol' on boy!" email or the "Black Man Lies" email.

It would seem that my posting of the hate mails has made some people paranoid, as I occasionally get some emails which include a variation of the line "if you post this, please don't include my real name/email". ...Why would I post that email? You didn't even call me a crack-addict bamboozler. I can't do anything with that.

Some of you have taken the liberty to add me to your email forwards list. ......Gee, thanks.

I love the emails that start out with "You probably already know this" and then proceed to tell me something I do indeed already know. If you figure I already know........THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING ME AGAIN?! We don't do this in real life, do we?

Guy 1: Hey, you know, you probably already know this, but your head is on fire.
Guy 2: Oh shit? Really? You know, I had not noticed that. Thanks for the heads-up!
Guy 1: Anytime!

And as you might be able to tell, I get a lot of strange requests. I've had some people wanting to take tours of my schools. ...It doesn't seem that weird at first, but think about the position it puts me in. "Hey Principal, mind if this person here takes a look around the school? Well, no, they're not actually a friend, so much as someone who's been reading about your school on the internet and wants to see the debauchery first-hand. And oh, could you pass out these special name tags? Here's one for Ms. Americanized, and Ms. Forehead, and here's one for Cherry Boy..." One kid asked me to distribute his phone number to my female students. Even just post it up on the girls bathroom wall. Um, no. This position has made me do a lot of things I wasn't prepared to do, but I'm gonna draw the line at International Adolescent e-Pimp. Besides, that wouldn't even work. "Hey girls, for a good time call this guy. ...Uh, you don't speak the same language, and you live thousands of miles away...but still...bow chika WOW WOW!" To the guy who sent me that, if you're reading, I'm actually doing you a favor here, don't buy into the hype that is Japanese girls. Especially 14-year old Japanese girls.

And finally, I've had some people tell me that if they happened to be in Kyoto and just happened to see me on the street....they'd kancho me. Seriously. If that happened....I seriously don't know what I'd do. I just have no idea. I imagine it'll be one of those moments where time just stops, and everything is frozen in a pure state of WTF?!-ness. The universe would then explode from the sheer improbability of it all, and the size of the explosion would create a new universe, one in which Japanese women had massive tits, Michael Jackson was still black, Jon Stewart was a republican, and Santa Claus was actually a chainsaw wielding maniac who feasted on the heads of his reindeer prey. And in this alternative fucked up Bizarro-Universe, there we'd be, big black American teacher, and non-Japanese, non-adolescent, full-grown adult with two fingers sticking up said black man's ass.

I'm no longer sure this is a world I want to bring children into.

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