Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael
Hol' on boy!
I get a lot of email. The vast majority of it is positive, and that's really cool. I get some negative emails as well. Whatever, I don't care. I've had people call me a racist, arrogant, culturally ignorant, etc. ...Suuuuuuure. Okay. I dunno what editorials they're reading, but whatever. Most of the negative emails I just delete and go about my merry way.
This one however left me completely baffled. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it...until the final line, which was so brilliant in its simplicity, I felt compelled, obligated even, to acquiesce. ...While adding my own comments of course.
"Subject: Hol' on boy!"
We're already off to a promising start here.
"Hey man what's wrong with you?"
Well, lots of things, but we won't go into that now.
"My friends gave me this site, and I definitely think you've smoked up some weed behind your ears before you've written this piece of crap dear."
...Behind my ears? How is that even possible? Looks like someone fell asleep in anatomy class.
"Now let me tell you something,"
"your disrepresentation goes far away beyond real happenings."
Missing: Basic sentence coherence. Reward: An e-cookie. You choose the flavor.
"I don't think you are alright with yourself,"
You seem very well/Things look peaceful/I'm not quite as well/I thought you should know... [/Alanis Morisette]
"Gaijin Power shit,"
Gaijin Power Shit, ACTIVATE!
"but you take yourself for a black king."
Some Burger King sounds good right about now. A nice juicy whopper, and a thick strawberry shake, mmm that's good shit.
"Don't get me wrong boy,
"I love black people, and live and see them every day."
As opposed to 1959, when they could only be viewed in museums on special occasions.
Y'know, I never claimed to be the blackest fellow out there. No, I give Wayne Brady a run for his money as the biggest Oreo out there. I freely admit to that.
I haven't even choked any bitches.
"But how you know, you take yourself for a superior to Japanese and stuff. How you represent Japan it's like a hell, not a country."
I guess in the Seventh Circle of Hell, little boys try to poke you up the ass while Japanese women tell you about how horny they are and "motherfucking puppets". ...Who knew? I personally was thinking the Seventh Circle would be something like Pauly Shore movies on infinite repeat, but different strokes I guess.
"How come just YOU felt those things, getting fingers sticked in your butt"
No comment needed here.
"and hell of other gibberish."
Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?[/Alanis Morisette]
"On the zillions of sites on the net, noone had such experience, just you,"
But to be fair, how many of those zillions of sites are for porn?
"funny, probably was LSD. But hold yourself from crack."
He sure likes talking about drugs a lot.
"Another thing, I dunno how you became a teacher,"
"I'll ask myself that my whole life."
Well at least he's got something to do now.
"If you so dumb are a teacher, then I'll be a doctor."
Again, do I even need to say anything here?
"And that you put a picture of your ex girlfriend it's most stupid and unhuman you can do."
Right. That certainly is the most "unhuman" thing I possibly could have done.
Inmate #1 (on death row for serial murders): Yo, who's the new guy?
Inmate #2 (on death row for serial rapings): Oh, that's Az. Don't fuck with him man.
Inmate #3 (on death row for cannabalism): Why? What'd he do?
Inmate #2: He put up an unflattering picture of his ex...on the internet. You better watch out man, or he'll put pictures of you on the internet too.
Given what she did, I'd be perfectly justified in giving her a running kick to the crotch. In the interim, I'll settle for a revenge pic.
...If you live in the Pittsburgh area though, and just happen to see her on the street.....
.........Outpost Nine does not *officially* endorse crotch-kickings. Just this one.
"You're really sick man."
Never said I wasn't.
He's taking this a little too personal though? ...The new boyfriend? Nah, God doesn't love me THAT much.
"I don't see, why don't you put your pic, and so we can see how better you look? Huh? Why don't you do that?"
Uh...I did. But I had the pics section down at that time to conserve bandwidth, so I guess I'll give him this one.
"I really don't know, you think you're Usher?"
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
"Or you're a Gatekeeper?"
...The fuck is this?
Should I put on my hat and wizard robe?
"So you transcribe yourself here as a super hottie that no Japanese girl can't stand not to Lay low?"
Layla. You got me on my knees, Layla. Beggin darlin' please, Layla.[/Eric Clapton]
"Rather I think you should go and kill yourself in that forest there, which sadly I don't know it's name, you bamboozler. "
...And I'm the one on drugs?
I keep trying to make sense of that sentence, but then I feel my brain cells committing suicide.
"Put it on your site. "
Well, since he asked so nicely.
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