Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael

You Don't Need to be Around Kids

It's been a long time, it really has. I was beginning to forget what they look like. But it came back with a passion. I don't know what drives people to do this type of thing...from start to finish, I really don't. All I know is, they're special, each and every one.

Gather round kiddies........it's hatemail time!

"Subject: You don't need to be around kids."

Oh, I so love it when the hatemail is properly prefaced with a catchy subject line. It's like finding a fire-truck shaped present under the Christmas tree. You know what's coming, but you still get to go through the ceremony of unwrapping it.

(Writer's Note: What I really wanted to say here was "What is "Things said to R.Kelly?" I'll take Celebrity Parole Warnings for $500, Alex", but I figure the R.Kelly well is one I've gone to more than enough times by now. I mean, we all have our vices. Sure, he likes em young...really young...and this is awful and should be ridiculed. But I feel there is a line, and that I'm polka dancing all over it. Enough is enough. Mr. Kelly, if you are reading...we're cool, right?)

"I've been reading your "editorials" online"

As opposed to the Cliff Notes versions scribbled on the walls of the men's bathroom in Mel's Diner on the corner of 5th and Main.

I like the use of quotation marks though. I bet you he (or she, who knows?) does that in real life with the finger motions too.

"for the past two days,"

Don't strain yourself.

"and they continue to get more and more disturbing and sickening each time."

.......Sweet! Some people have said I've been slacking off.

"I am now on your Azrael goes to Tokyo page, and its one of the stupider ones yet."

*does a quick check of his own editorials* ...Hmm, the Tokyo Adventure was posted after the previous three hatemails. And it's one of the stupider ones? That says A LOT.

"I mean, you are a black American, so you can't expect much,"

Aaaaaaaaaaaand there it is.

"but gee whiz..."

Golly gee willikers Mr. Wilson, I didn't destroy your prize-winning petunia garden! It was those awful darkies, I swear!

Next time on the ABC Afterschool Special, when Doogie Howser goes horribly, horribly wrong...

"A 45 year old is OLD?? Please."

Oh hey. Looks like I hit a nerve.

You get three guesses as to this person's age. ...But if you get it wrong on the first try I am legally and morally obligated to smack you.

"You sound like a damn teenybopper who doesn't know anything about anything."

C'mon now. That hurts. Quit playin' games with my heart. Instead, why don't you hit me baby one more time? Cause I'm toxic. And at heart, I'm nothing more than a Sk8ter Boi.


But, I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.

"That's NOT old, and you will be old yourself soon, just like everyone else."

....But not before you! Ahahahahahahahahaha!

Seriously though. Will you buy me some beers? I'll totally pay you back when my paper route money comes in.

"Old age doesn't begin until 65, soon to be higher with life expectancy increasing."

Yep. Definintely female.

Only a dumb old hag would bother telling me about something I couldn't care less about.

"What a dumb thing to say,"

Well, you're the expert.

"but, again, you are a black American."

.........Really? *looks down* ......OMGWTFGASP, I *am* black! Wow, everything makes sense now. Like why I can't understand the big complicated words you write, the rap music I love so much, and why I have this irrestible urge to go rob some white people with one of my many guns. I may also go play some Madden 2005 on the PS2 I stole later. If I have time after the drug use, that is.

Seriously, this is like in movies when the villian does something nasty, like kick a kitten, just to prove they're evil.

"And the language you handle, which is agaiin not a surprise,"

There is nothing, nothing I love more than when people who ride me about language/grammar make a mistake of their own.

"but it's even worse than most blacks, and that's saying a lot..."

Yea. I popped a cap in her ass then dropped five on the nine before hitting that bitch up with my chocolate passion.

...Do you have any idea what I just wrote? Me neither.

"I dunno how you got to be a teacher,"

Well, there was a process involving pain sticks, a whole jar of vegemite, and Magneto from the X-Men, who hadn't shaved in YEARS, told me I had to go destroy this ring in the fiery hell-pits of Mordor...

And for the unimaginative, I turned in my application.

But hey, didn't the "Hol 'on boy!" guy ask the same question? Well, there you have it - great minds DO think alike.

"but you DO NOT need to be around children!!!"

With not one, not two, but THREE exclamation marks for emphasis. Y'know what the sad thing is though? I'm kinda disappointed she didn't go through the effort to add "!!111elevenWTFBBQ" at the end. ...Good Lord what is the internet doing to me? This thing is detrimental to your mental health, I swear.

"I wish I knew who to call to get something done about it."

........The Ghostbusters!

When there's something strange...in your neighborhood! Who're you gonna call? Ghostbusters!

"A morally bankrupt degenerate"

I knew I should have just solved the puzzle, but I got greedy and went for one more spin anyway. One day I'll learn.

"has NO place in a classroom around innocent children."

......My kids are "innocent"?

I'm trying to make a joke here, but my mind still can't wrap itself around my kids being "innocent".

"I don't know what blacks get out of that filthy garbage you spout off,"

Mention "Gaijin Smash" at your local Popeye's Chicken for a free side order of cole slaw! Act now before this offer ends!

"but it sure does reflect badly on our society, which we all know is morally bankrupt and in the toilet-"

Aw. Is Rockstar Games not returning your phone calls?

But you're right. Society is going straight to hell. Let's blame the darkies, I'm sure they're responsible in some way.

I've never met a problem that couldn't be solved with blinding, unwaivering prejudice and ignorance.

"ever watch the BET channel??"

No. Is anyone?

"After dark???"

When the lights are down low and the mood is just right...

No lady, I watch Showtime after dark. Mmm, Red Shoe Diaries...

"Pure garbage..."

For someone so easily offended, she sure does spent a lot of time reading/watching the stuff that supposedly offends her. ...Much of it centering about black people. .......Hmmmm.

.....You get three guesses as to what kind of porn she's got stashed on her computer. But again, if you don't get it after the first chance, I have to smack you.

It's called Tough Love, babies.

"You need to be removed from the presence of children, and I wish I could do something..."

I have a few suggestions.

But I know there are kids reading these editorials, and most of them involve contorting your body in a way that will probably throw out your back or break a hip or something, so I'll refrain from making them.

Besides, it's been a whole fifteen minutes since I've done something morally bankrupt, and I'm getting antsy.

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