Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael

More Mailbox Goodness

While I'm at it, I figured I'd open up my mailbox once more and share some more gems with you all. But unlike all the previous other times, these mails are actually not hatemails. Just emails I found interesting enough share with you all.

I would like to stress that I'm not necessarily ridiculing the mails or the sender here...this is just what I was thinking as I read the mail the first time. If you happen to be the sender of one of the mails below....don't take it personally eh? Heh heh...heh heh...heh heh...ehhhhhh.

Anyway, here we go!


"Hah your anecdotes a lot"


You ever get the feeling you're missing something important?

"...very funny shits"

A little Ex-Lax will take care of that problem.

"Anyways i have lots of questions about Japan: "

Sure, now that we've done away with the formalities it's time for business I suppose.

"1) Are there loads of hookers in japan?"

It's raining whores! Halleujah, it's raining whores! Amen!

"2) Are there a lot of horny bitches?"

Well you know I've never paid attention to the canine population of Japan.

" (remember snuzzlebunnies? =p "

......*very uneasy* Yeah.....

And given the previous context, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the placement of that tongue-sticking-out emoticon.

"<<< that's where i got that question) "

Oh my God. Someone stop him at immigration. Please.

"3) Is Japan really that dreadful?"

Oh, it's absolutely dreadful in the winter time dahling, but you MUST come up to the summer home! We've been redecorating, and I must say, the marblewood floors were an excellent choice.

"cause i'm hoping to visit it"

I wonder why.

"Answer ASAP, thx"

And apparently this is a matter that cannot wait.

Japan: Bring us your tired, your poor, your men who can't get laid at home. We'll take care of them real nice.


"Im A 16 Year Old Teen In Brooklyn,"

Normal so far...

"And Me And My Friends "Kancho" Each Other."

...Aaaaaaaaand there it is.

"But We Call It "Thousand Years Of Pain"."

Never has there been a more accurate description.

"But Ours, We Clap As Loud As Possible,"

That's not fair! *I* don't get any warnings...

"And Use Both Index Fingers And Middle Fingers."

Because just the index fingers wasn't sadistic enough.

"We Got It From An Anime Called Naruto,"

And we're trying hard not to hold this against it, we really are.

"Im Pretty Sure You've Probably Seen A Poster Or Two Of Naruto."


...Anyone else wondering why every word is capitalized? No biggie, just curious is all.

"But AnyWay, YesterDay"

All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it seems as though they're here to stay. Oh I believe, in anal virginity.

"We Went To Manhatten"

Under the river and through the woods!

"And We Went Into A Little Mall We Call EC"

...But not to it's face.

"(Short For Elizabeth Center)"

Which is short for the Elizabethian Center for the Performing Arts.

"And My Friend Antley Got Kancho'ed By Calvin."

But then Hobbes pounced on Calvin just as he was coming home.

"And It Sent A Chill Through Antley's Body."

Antley then turned to Calvin, blushing, and said "Nobody's ever made me feel *that* way before"...

...Okay, even I can't continue this joke.

"He Kept Saying How Before, Calvin Never Aimed Correctly,"

And he always forgot to put the seat down.

"But This Time He Got A BullsEye."

For a 5000 point bonus.

"And After About 20 Minutes"

20 minute recovery time? ...I just don't want to know.

"Antley Took His Chance At Revenge"

Kancho Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Antley

"And Kancho'ed Calvin Back. He Too Got A BullsEye."

...I blame video games.

"Calvin Was On The Ground For A Minute."

One Hot Minute?

"I Felt Like I Was Missing Out On All The Fun,"

Damnit, why isn't anyone poking *me* in the ass!?

There are simply no words in the English language that can properly express how disturbed I am by this.

"And When Calvin And Antley Were Staring At Some Games"

Transistions...who needs 'em?

"On A Lower Shelf,"

Ooh, foreshadowing.

It's like when the cute perky blond goes downstairs all by her lonesome in the horror movie. You know her ass is toast.

"I Clapped My Hands Together,"

Cause I was happy, and I knew it.

"And Stuck Out My Index And Middle Finger,"

Here's the church, and here's all the people...

"And Kancho'ed Calvin."

Calvin: Why's ev'ry body always pickin' on me?

"Calvin Was Floored,"

Calvin: ....I really *can't* believe it's not butter!


I am too at this point.

And it really doesn't matter when you read this, the above will always hold true.

"Sayingf His Stomach Didnt Feel Well."

You kancho that sumbitch until you feel his liver. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, MAGGOT?!

"But After, Unlike Calvins Or Antleys,"

I was able to save more by switching to Geico Direct. Thanks Geico!

"My Fingers Smelled Funny."

Hey look, there goes my faith in all that is good and pure in the universe. I figured it would go out with more of a fanfare, but nope, it was really quite anti-climatic.

"I Wonder Why....."

Another great mystery of life that may never be solved.

"Well I Like Your Editorials And Uhhhs Yeahs Dats It."

Yup, dats it. And not just for the email, but for my belief in the nations youth, and my future in their hands.

Ebity-ebity-eh-That's all folks.

"P.S. Japanese School Girls Rock."

...Where the FUCK did this come from?!

And they most certainly do not rock. Antley must have kanchoed you too hard and hit your brain. Have him do it again until you're fixed.


"I was reading your Editorial entitled first impressions and you made mention of a song called "informer" by snow, and at the time, i had no idea what that song was like. "

...Lucky you.

"So, naturally, i had to download it, "

...Don't they say that curiousity killed the cat?

"and damned if i didnt think about dying as soon as i heard it."

...Yep, there it is.

What I don't understand is why people are doing the things I'm desperately begging them NOT to do. I say Lolita Confinement Lesbian is the worst porn on Earth, and there are people downloading it as we speak. I speak out against kancho and how awful it is, and now we have Kancho Cults flaring up in the western world (I wish I could say I was joking, but sadly...). It's like the cool thing to do is the complete opposite of what I say or something...

.........................Hey! You should all definitely NOT send me money. I mean, that is the LAST thing on Earth you should do.


"Hi, Your stories are really great and funny to read."


"You must be a great girl."

.......Wow. Did you miss something or what?


"hey, ive been a reader of ur editorials"


" im a japanese schol teacher"

...You too?

"im very fond of ur writings as they r soo informative and funny. "


"this may seem lieka stupid question"

And he looka lika man.

"but is there ne country left of japan"


"(woods,forests,etc) that isn't parks or protected govermental property,"

Whatever isn't a natural preserve...is probably a golf course.

And I'm sure the preserves will be golf courses too as soon as they teach Yogi how to properly grip a 5-iron.

"i've looked to live in japan for quite some time now... since i was like 5 to be exact,"

That's quite an early age to make a staggering life decision such as that.

TV: And today's Sesame Street is brought to you by the number 7, and the letter "S".
Him: ...S? ....S?!?! Man, fuck this shit, I'ma go live in Japan!

"im 16 now, and ive been trying to get the language right, ive been watching anime since i was a lil kid"

There is a research paper on the brainwashing effects of anime just waiting to be written.

I'd do it, but Gundam comes on pretty soon and I don't wanna miss it.

"and grew very fond of wanting to live in the backwoods and build a dojo or whatnot"

And I'd have these two students, named Ryu and Ken...

"so i keep praticing jeet kune do (which is chinese but o well... lol)"

Ok, so let me get this straight. A Gaijin living out in the Ozarks of Japan who has his own dojo for a *Chinese* martial art? ...Yeah, that'll go over real well.


Here's an email I actually liked a lot, but I found a couple of points very interesting...

"Second, you will excuse the poor english i use to express myself in this email..."

I hear this quite often, and the sad thing is the people who say it usually have no reason to apologize.

.....The people who should be apologizing however never do.

"but the truth is i never take some english classes, plus, english is my 3rd language"

...Really? Wow, that's pretty good then.

"(Spanish is 1st and french my 2nd =S ), so, your site is one of my biggest source of english since i discvored it and i learn all the englsih i know from your site to write in english :D"

He learned English from my site? I'm flattered...

"(don't have money for a dictionnary, gouvernment put fuckin high taxes on books,"

..........Waitaminute....does that mean I'm responsible for this?!


...1, 2, skip a few...

"Anyway, i must say you've killed some magic here,"

Well, I wish I'd known it was Jiminy Cricket before I flattened him with the newspaper...

"telling many true facts about japanese womens (like that "fiction-fact" picture's ex-bitch of your) "

Wow. And this is someone who learned English from me?

...This man is absolutely right. It warms my heart, honest to goodness.

"and every men, believe me, wanna fuck an asian women,"

....No you don't.

Trust me on this one. It's no different from any other girl on the face of the planet, except maybe more noisy and less action-packed.

Save yourself some time and get a blow-up doll. Depending on what type of doll you get, it might actually be *more* responsive than a Japanese girl.

"that's, of course include me..."

Well, if you want to bang a cheap and easy Asian girl, I guess I can help you out...as long as you follow this somewhat complicated and difficult process...

1. Find my ex.
2. Ask.

"no matter breast size, or butt size..."

I must be honest. I like big butts. My other kinsmen are unable to contradict that when a striking young lady with a diminuitive waistline and a bulbous posterior enters, you become vigorous.

"i think it's just a fetish...Anyway i have a GF with generous breasts ( 92!!!! :D) "

Ok, now you're just rubbing my nose in it.

"wich it makes me happy and very lucky"

Dear Santa Claus,

I haven't asked for much lately. I try not to bother you, I know you're a busy man. But once, just once...can I have a woman with tits and ass. Please? Pretty please? I wouldn't ask if I didn't think I've been a good boy. Sure, I may have counter-poked a few kids in the ass, but damnit man, they hit me first! They hit me first man! What the hell am I supposed to do here?!?!?! *sobs uncontrollably*

.......*Ahem*. Anyway, you can skip the ass if you like and just give me a girl with tits. Just this once. You don't even have to wrap her up (think to come of it, unwrapped is preferred...). Do this, and you will find the biggest, tastiest plate of cookies and milk just waiting for you in my genkan (I don't have a chimney...). You work for me, I'll work for you.

Hopeful in Japan,


"Dear Azrael,

I was curious if you know whether or not you have so called "mental disorders" along the lines of depression, ADD, etc."

...Waitaminute. Did I just get called retarded?

"Your editorials and e-speech give me that impression."

Why, I have no idea why he would think that. I mean, geez......hey, who likes cookies? I think chocolate chip is the best, but cinnamon sugar is good too. Oatmeal's not bad, but only if it's warm and soft and - hey look! A nickel!

"It seems to me that you hide your real emotions"

Right. I make it a priority everyday to share my deepest and innermost thoughts with a couple thousand strangers on The Internets. ...Who doesn't?

*gets forwarded a few billion Xanga/LiveJournal links*


"(at least, the deeper ones. I am not saying you are faking your editorials)."

"The life and times of a Japanese school teacher"

So Watson tried to grab my dick AGAIN today! That makes 4 times this week, and it's only Tuesday! I'm starting to think he only sees me as this giant walking penis that he has to molest. It really kind of bothers me, I mean, I have feelings too. I laugh, I hurt, I cry. Prick me, do I not bleed?

I had a nice long talk with PixieDust1983609874 about it, and I cried a little, but she told me that my feelings were justified. Next time I see him, I'm going to sit him down over a danish and we're going to have a talk about being sensitive to my needs. I'm not looking forward to it, but it's gotta be done.

Oh! Tomorrow the new Morning Musume CD comes out! I pretend to hate them, but I secretly have a poster up in my closet. I like listening to them to dance around in my room. It really makes me happy when I come home after a hard day of work. ...That, and the ice cream.

Current Mood: Ambivalent
Current Music: Evanescence - "My Immortal"

Previous: You Don't Need To Be Around Kids
Next: Just Another Monday

Return to the "I Am a Japanese School Teacher" Index

All works appearing on this page, or any subsequent page of Outpost Nine, are copyrighted to their respective authors. Steal them, and bad things will happen to you.