Mirrored with permission from Outpost Nine and Azrael

Send Az Home!

I need to go home.

Actually, I really do. I owe my parents a visit home, and it would be nice to see them again. As well as get some other stuff done, like buying clothes (an impossibility for me in Japan) and go a whole day without getting stared at.

As it turns out, the best time for me to go would be the end of March, when I do have a vacation opportunity coming up. If I were to go in March, I would need to buy the ticket, like, now. I could buy it now, but it would leave me awfully financially strapped. Which isn't fun, I've been there. So I got to thinking, how could an enterprising Gaijin like me make some cash in the Land of the Rising Sun? I threw together some ideas, and here's what I've come up with so far...

-- Become a Japanese celebrity. Japanese TV is about as interesting as watching CNN's Crossfire with the volume turned up. It's clear they need help, and now. Anyone who's willing to sell their soul a little bit can make the rounds on Japanese TV! All you need is some kind of catch or gag, and to exploit the living shit out of it. I thought about becoming "Soft Gay" myself, but I couldn't find the YMCA Police Officer or Construction Worker outfit in my size.

Should you break through into Japanese Hollywood, you'll enjoy a stress-free life of taking endless quizzes, and constantly eating on camera. Make sure you give a spirited explanation as to why your dumb-ass answer is plausible, and be sure to contort your face with pleasure as you shout "umai/oishii!" after eating yet another one of Japan's 34,389 "unique" delicacies. Being a Japanese celebrity also entitles you to star in TV dramas, movies, and your own singing career. ...I can't sing for shit, but as far as Japanese music is concerned it doesn't seem to matter much. If I were female and willing to inhale a canister of helium before my performance, and bounce around like a 12 year old on unprocessed crack, I could not only get away with it, but make a killing doing so.

Unfortunately, most Gaijin on Japanese TV are either teaching English, making fools of themselves, or a wonderful combination of the two. It's not exactly a image I'd like to add to. How much is one's dignity worth, anyway? ...I'd love to tell you how much mine is worth, but I'm afraid I eBay'ed it for an X-Box 360 a few weeks ago.

-- Become a sumo wrestler. Asashoryu, and that white dude who almost won this year have paved the way for Gaijin to invade Japan's mother sport. With my bigger Gaijin body, I'm already halfway there! Sumo is just waiting for more Gaijin to come in and make the ranks. Depending on how powerful your Gaijin Perimeter is, you could practically force wrestlers out of the ring just by looking at them. If all else fails, just start yelling at them in English - their natural Japanese fear of the English language will kick in and send them flying to the stands.

-- Work the train system. Anyone who's been on the subway in Kyoto can tell that the lady they got for the English announcements needs a little help. It sounds like she didn't really get a chance to prepare before having to do them. "Next up is...what the fuck is this?! Kaksaekykan?" "(Five minutes of announcements in Japanese)." "...Station M-21." I've been here for a few years now, and I know my way around, hell I could do it. I can even say "Kokusaikaikan" without flubbing it up. Plus, outside of Kyoto English announcements are few and far between, so they'd be nice for the Gaijin-tachi who live outside of Kyoto city. All six of us.

Hey, I've got confidence in my Japanese skills - I could do it in Japanese! Personally, I think this would be an awesome job. Riding around in the back of the train all day, occasionally telling people what stop is next, and here's the fun part - getting to close the doors in people faces! I would be the *ultimate* bastard in shutting the door in people's faces. "Oh, hey, look at that salary man running down the steps! Oh, you can make it buddy! You can do it! You're getting close! You're gonna make it! ...No you're not!" *ping-pong* *slam* I'd gladly work overtime for the express purpose of shutting people down.

And, I could deliver the announcements with Gaijin Flare, spice up people's lives a bit. Right now, it's all so monotonous, and ALL the guys picked, EVERY SINGLE ONE, have high pitched voices that sounds like Mickey Mouse after having been kicked in the balls. ...Well, not EVERY guy. I was on the train once when the guy had this really cool radio voice...I didn't want to get off. I was like "Yeah! What's next?" I could do that. I'd creative with it. Innovate. Personally, I would have musical-themed days...be sure to look out for the classic favorite "Do You Know The Way to Fushimi?", and the always robust "I Left My Heart in Kawaramachi."

-- The Gaijin Institute For the Re-population of Japan. Everybody knows that the population growth and birth rate of Japan are horrifically low. Experts speculate that if the current rates continue, the population of Japan in the year 3000 will be all of zero (I'm not making that one up). Social scientists all agree that to solve the problem, Japan will need an influx of immigration, as well as more foreigner-Japanese couplings which produce lots of kids.


...*Ahem*. Rather than relying on English conversation school ho's and beer-fueled hook-ups, I propose we institutionalize the process. The Gaijin Institute For the Re-population of Japan will employ the finest, strongest, smartest, and healthiest of men, ready willing and able to do his part to get Japan's numbers back up. Hopefully, we can get a steady conga-line of Japanese women willing to take in that Gaijin Seed and spit out a cute 'lil halfling. In my vision, ladies, there's a place at The Institute for you as well, so long as you're willing to spit out a cute 'lil halfling yourselves. ...For the future of Japan. Don't ever say we Gaijins weren't willing to do our part for the good of the country.

Note that the Institute doesn't exist yet. But I'm putting some legislation together, hopefully we'll get it passed through The Diet in no time. And if there are any objections, then we'll just have Prime Minister Koizumi dissolve the lower house and do it again until it comes out the way we want it.

-- Engrish Crusader. So the Japanese make a LOT of English mistakes. From the local neighborhood restaurant menu, to huge signs hanging over a major city. Everybody knows this. But after living in Japan for awhile, the humor of things like "Flied Potato" and "Hot Communication" start to lose their luster. So I could, as a native English speakers, go around to various businesses, and people wearing those awful Engrish t-shirts, and inform them of their mistake, for a small nominal fee.

This job may not pay much, but when I explain to one of those trendy grandmother obachan what her "Kinky - Be All That You Can Be" or her "Please enjoy my COCK" t-shirt means (this is not even fiction), the job itself will become the reward.

......Those are the ideas I came up with. Unfortunately, they all require a little more work than I'm able to put in at the moment. So I'm turning to the more realistic option - my PayPal Donate button. What'dya say, ladies and gents? Help a Gaijin find his way back home for a week? I'd appreciate it kindly.

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